Turning Point

I'm at a point of being restless. Completely restless, restless in my job, in my spiritual life, my personal life, my love life. It's all stiring, not in a good way really. I truly believe that God told me to move churches a few months ago. I had to take a new position at work. I've been single for almost four years. I'm deppressed, lonely angry and confused. There are days when I know that God is working in my life, but for the most part for the last 8 months I've just felt that I'm out of place, awkward, hurting, alone, not good enough, and even that I don't want to live anymore. It has become the norm to want to walk away from God. I've said over 1000 times God I'll give it one more shot because you love me and I love you, but once again I find myself still alone, hurt, confused, and sick of being in all this crap. I'm so tired of everything. Yeah there are good days, yes there are days were I wanna be the good christian. But more and more Im growing of sick of the failure, sick of the lonliness, sick of hurting... God I gave up friends, I gave up the party life style, I gave up searching for the girl I thought I should be with and left it in your hands. So why now do i feel that I have no friends, I have no lasting joy, I have no peace, I have noone that i feel truly cares anymore. At least when I would party I had someone to hang out with, I didn't have to sit at home by myself.. you know before I gave it over to you God I had a personality, I wasn't so selfconcious that I couldn't talk to a female, I wasn't so worried about what someone would think. I didn't have a problem carrying on conversations with people I didn't know. God I mean really....... where are you in all this bull in my life, my head is so cluttered that I can't see a foot in front of my face. God I've found myself just being tired of going to church because all i find is a set up for a new failure. God there are things that I have prayed about for years...... that I still have found no answer to, no peace about, no help... Where are you God... real God....one true God.... I don't see a sign, i dont see anything.... and if im supposed to survive on faith, my faith is falling from beneath my feet... its crumbling with every breath that I breathe.... but it feels like everytime I call out to you, you give me enough just to make it through.... If i don't read my bible and pray enough..... I don't know what to do because I try and fall short on that too. I've asked for a greater desire for your word and comunion with you... because I can't do it on my own.... but it seems to me I can't do it with you either.... So here I am alone again, deppressed, and sick of life. Do I give up or once again do I say ok God one more time Ill try and I'll trust you.... truly I want to say no more.... no more trying no more trusting... just go back to it was when things didn't matter when i didn't think things through i just kind of went with it. I did well with things like that... I didn't battle all the freakin time. I didn't hurt all the time.. I didn't feel like a freaking hypocrite. I didn't feel like someone who gave up everything for nothing...... what do i do God.... where do I turn.... if your so awesome mighty step down and help someone out who is running a little low on all things good right now. All I am asking is for a little freaking help.... A little joy a little time of not feeling lonely. Too much to ask... that's what I thought... Im done with everything.... I can't do this anymore Im sick of this crap.

Blinded

It amazes me at how today's society functions! Is is too politically incorrect to say that we are a Godless country. Or maybe is the exact opposite true? In fact I believe that America has let too many gods slip in and push the one true God out. In fact this angers me more than anything, because I am looked down upon because I am the odd ball trying to stay away from Alcohol, Drugs, and Sex. How am I the one who is wrong when all the things listed previously have addiction and death tied to them? I have never heard of someones life being destroyed because they found themselves too close to God. But everyday people's lives are destroyed because of adultery, teen pregnancy, death from overdosing on drugs, alcohol poisoning, alcoholism tearing families apart, death by drinking and driving .... YET I'M STILL THE ONE LOOKED DOWN ON!? But to tell you the truth that's OK, I'll take my peace, my hope , my future, my joy, my everything and I'll stand as the majority and wait to help pick the pieces with the majority falls under the weight of destruction. People have gotten so comfortable with the wrong doing, and sin in their lives that they don't thing twice about the repercussions of what they are doing! That my friend is called being blinded by sin! God has offered a way of escape, get out while you still can, you only get one chance at life, after it's done and over with it's either an eternity in heaven or hell. Chose the right way now, it may not be the easiest way, but there is strength and grace in place to carry you in the weak moments. I don't know if anyone will ever read these, but I really just hope and pray that It can make a difference in just one person's life. Life is short choosing the easy path is death, but stand against the current of a Godless world and you will find abundant life!

In life

Sometimes in life we feel alone. Sometimes we can find ourselves in a huge room with hundreds of people and we still find ourselves alone. That feeling is honestly nothing more than terrifying to even the strongest person. Living your life as a Christian and sacrificing everything for God, and then finding yourself alone that feels devastating! I found myself in this place about a month ago. I became frustrated with God because I honestly felt that he had left me all alone for me to figure out this life all on my own. But soon did I find, that he hadn't left me in fact I had found myself in a place of quietly pulling myself from the heart of God. Maybe you've felt this way before, maybe God was once prominent in your life, you lived day to day for Him and with Him. But one day you turned around and he wasn't there. Then you find yourself in a place of bitterness and anger at God. Then you find yourself at a place of is God even there? Does he exist? I've been there, I've been a lot of places. Most recently I questioned myself of wanting to know why I keep torturing myself by not drinking, and partying and having sex. Because I've been there I know its fun. I believed that there was a heaven and a hell. But that was way away, all I was honestly asking for was for something to fill this whole of loneliness and for God to send that one thing that my heart is aching for. That one thing that I have missed for the last two years. GOD WHERE ARE YOU? I would silently scream in my head..... WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY AND DO WHAT I WANT FOR A CHANGE....



I got to go to a party Saturday night with a lot of my old friends from high school. The people that I used to party with all the time. God revealed a few things to me. He took me back to the night I got a call that she was pregnant, he took me back to those nights of drinking to cover every bit of hurt that I had in my life only to wake up with a headache and a heartache! He took me back to the place of trying to hook up with a different girl every night, he took me back to a place of an insecure boy with no hope and no dreams! The place of living for that second taking no account for where my life was headed.... no where!



I found out that one of my friends is pregnant with a guy she doesn't love and can barely stand, I heard a still small voice whisper " I saved you from this" I hear of one of my best friends in High School who is 22 and sitting in a bar crying because he has no hope and no direction... I heard a still small voice whisper " I saved you from this" I saw one of my buddies all over a girl he met 30 minutes before they disappear off to a room with no clue of the STD's or the Chance of pregnancy that awaits..... yet again I hear a still small voice whisper " I saved you from this" I see friends doing keg stands and coming over making jokes so slurred that no one can understand his mumblings, while trying to impress people he makes himself look like a fool.... I once again heard a still small voice whisper " I saved you from this" I see all of this around me and I realize that these people are searching each having an insecurity each having some thing they are hiding, but what they don't realize is the only person they are fooling are themselves. It's a false illusion of fun and happiness but they are miserable still searching to fill a void only one thing can fill. He took me back to a place where I lie on someones back porch with alcohol poisoning feeling like I was literally going to die and honestly deserving death.. I hear a still small voice whisper " I saved you from this, I saved you out of love, My mercy and my grace carried you, I SAVED YOU FROM ETERNAL HELL!" a punishment I deserved I praise God today for how much he loves me. He loves you too right where you are! Come back to Him! Answer the call... before its too late. His ways are the only path to happiness! He's calling tonight could be the last time you ever hear him call again. Is this life of temporary pleasure worth spending forever in torture far more than anything we can fathom? Answer the call Accept Jesus into your heart and begin living the life you know you're called to. Jesus is calling! Time is short my prayers are with you, whom ever you may be ! God Bless

More older stuff.. creative writing. I was bored

I dont know what this is but read and enjoy. Current mood:  artistic Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes The beautiful deception of his smile,had you all fooled. Like a magician with the simplest of tricks. If you could see what was hidden beneath. you could have saw the young kid he wish he never would have grown away from. The part of him that was innocent of hurt. The part of him that was innocent of drugs,sex and alcohol. All that he truly knew was wrong with his life. If only he could get back to that place of innocence. Back to a time when his arms werent scarred up from all the battles life challenged him with. Before he knew what it was to bleed emotion. The time in his life when all he could cry were tears not blood. He walks now with his head hung low and his heart growing more faint with every beat. His head spins with an unacomplished sense of life. Life had become just that to him. A numbing sense. He truly wanted to turn it all around. But when he turned around; the rain that had been pouring on him for years had washed away every step that he had made. he looked around surronded by a forrest of despair, he looked up to the sky. With the rain beating down on his pale, sick face. He whispers, "what now? Where do I make my next step?" Little did he know, he was blinded in all that the world had beaten him with. Maybe it was the rain, Maybe it were the tears he was crying. But he walked right by the life line that God had laid before him. Mans blind stupidity once again turns into his demise. HIs bare, bloody feet just keep treading through the mud. Further spreading the infection that will eventually claim his life. With his last gasping breath, He tried to remeber what got him to this dark lonely abyss he called life. Coming up empty handed. He decided to let go. Just then he saw the brightest light he'd ever seen. All of a sudden he could breath, he didnt hurt any longer and his heart felt whole. He learned what God had been trying to show him. The more that he tried to carry and fix himself the heavier his load got. When he finally sat back and let everything go. Everything that ever mattered reappeared. His life was back in control. For the first time in years he stood there with clean clothes, His head held high and a true smile on his face. He finally realized he had nothing to hide. Nothing to ever be ashamed of . When the initial shock wore off, he felt a strange feeling in his feet. kind of a burn but a jitter at the sametime. When he looked down he saw the scares from below. He knew what it meant. All of a sudden he took of running the path he had hated and just traveled. When i looked back to where he was standing. I saw a note it read, "Do not worry about me. For once in my life I AM SAIN.  for once in my life IM TRULY HAPPY. im going back to the dark path that I just left. To find all the hidden treasure that I walked right by so many times. please dont wait for me." Scenecerly ........... i never laughed that hard in my entire life. Good night all. - Patrick.

a poem wrote about me and my current career, it's rather entertaining

best friends rock Patti Cake Patti Cake,  Uhaul Man,  Rent me a truck,  as fast as you can!  Charge me,  and fill it,  up with gasoline,  you're the best Uhaul man,  that I've ever F'in seen!!!  JASON YOU FREAKIN ROCK DUDE! This is why I still claim you as my best friend! COME HOME!

A note to an old friend

Just a letter about a friend. Category: Friends From the days he took his first steps, the time when his parents seperated, when he sang his first note, Until the day he breathed his last breathe God had him In his Hands. Not just to hold but to mold Into the person that would affect many people. To change lives in ways that he would never imagine. To the girl whos heart he stole he was the world And still is The day that He stood on that alter waiting for his bride to be you would have seen the happiest person on earth And the kiss that sealed the deal it may have been small but that understated kiss said I will love you Today Tommorow and forever. That last night in the hospital watching him breathe his last breaths we were watching God Finish an Amazing work. I guess you might  say that He was only special in my eyes but I have entire group of  friends and family that would tell you something different. Who knew one life could change so many. For him we hold the memories and the songs that he gave us to treasure. All we can do now is hold those dear and wait until that day when we get to see The eyes Ever so blue and that big smile there to greet us at heaven's gate. Adam buddy I love you!

Something I wrote 3 years ago that I like

Another day has passed

Another leaf has turned

Tears of joy now cease

When a beautiful life torn from peace

 

Arms that once held strong

now fall with great defeat

When a father and sons hand will again never meet.

Laughter and joy once held in a song

now memories all that are left

of a love in which only two hearts kept.

 

with his last breathe he screamed goodbye

for us to never forget the times we had

He then closed his eyes and passed on to a peaceful place he had always longed for

 

On a night like tonight

On a night like tonight I honestly have to ask myself, is it worth it. I already know the answer, but tonight is a night where i can't see past the end of my nose. Tonight I guess the joy of the lord is my strength, even though i don't feel joy or strength. The phrase you gotta a friend in Jesus keeps runnin through my head. But honestly it's not enough on a night like tonight. How is faith getting me through a night when I need a physical hug. I know that God is doing a work in my life and that he is preparing me for a work down the road. But tonight my heart aches, it aches of feeling hollow and lonely.. I cut loose of a girl that God told me too. The one thing I really want i thought i found and God said no so i gave it up and here I am again and Im broken.... Im broken God im hurting do you hear me???  There are strong times but tonight is a night when I feel like im wandering in the wilderness aimlessly ! I feel lost and cold Where are you tonight lord! I love you and you know that But God tonight I need you!