Anything But Emotionless

If anyone ever cared enough to ask what the greatest pain that I had ever experienced I would have to tell them that watching my dad turn his back on his family and not care would easily take the top spot in my life. No words could ever explain the hurt that I felt tonight as my dad sat in our church. I felt my heart crush, I felt fear like I never had, I felt anger that I can't explain, I felt an emptiness that would compare to the grand canyon and still people, even family, walk up to me and tell me that I should go talk to him. What do you say to a man you used to call Dad someone that at one point in their life loved you unconditionally, who you knew you could talk to when others wouldn't listen. Someone you shared a love for classic trucks for......someone who turned out to be nothing more than a sperm donor and a shadow standing just close enough to you to strike your heart with a knife. How do you just "go talk" to someone who has hurt you more than any other person on the face of the earth? I don't understand how someone could say they are sorry for the hurt they put in your life and turn around and multiply that hurt by a 1000. If I knew my kids grew sick at the sight of my face and I knew that they weren't in my life because of my mistakes... I would make every effort possible to show them that I am truly sorry.. Any idiot knows that words are words and that words only go as far as the breath that breathed them.... well anyone but him. SHOW ME YOU'RE SORRY. If that means leaving the piece of trash that you married and didn't have the balls to tell your own kids DO IT... I wonder how he feels knowing that Hero is the farthest thing he has become in my life.... his own son. I feel betrayed, hurt, cut deeper than any other person could ever know, I look at my life and wonder how screwed up it is because of all that he has done to me... All I can say is thanks for the hurt, the feelings of being abandoned, feelings of being alone and fatherless, I feeling of fear to know that I could turn out like you! I hope you feel sick when you think about me..... Its so hard to forgive and love someone who has hurt you to a point of feeling numb... maybe you have scars but I'm sure your kids replacement will like your wounds!

Why aren't the arms reaching?

Wow! Tonight is one of those nights that makes you thankful for all the times in your life when God really moves in a good way. As for tonight the service was awesome, but there are under lying issues with some of our regular guys! It amazes me how fast a girl can destroy two guys friendship. OK I guess I should say jealousy, that's honestly what this whole thing sounds like. But not just that our youth group is shocking me lately.

Its just hard to watch a kid go down for prayer and some of our kids pray for each and every person up there and then others pick and chose who they pray for. To me this boils down to pride or " I am holier than you " Ive noticed we have had a lot of new people at our church especially in our youth group. It just amazes me to watch how no one reaches out and says hello to the new guy, but at Friday night prayer meeting they will pray and ask God to send new people and to let the youth ministry grow. If I were God I would laugh at those prayers, but he doesn't and I'm not!

There is a song that says why aren't his arms reaching, that so true how do we expect to reach out when you're giving someone that comes into the youth center the cold shoulder. All these prayers for revival to break out. Sounds to me like revival needs to start from the inside out. This is aggravating the snot out of me. But what can I do, especially when It's coming from people that work as leaders and have a high ranking in the church. It's messed up, I pray that God really work on the hearts of these that are guilty of this and if there be even a trace of it in my life, I pray for God to purge it out! LOVE YOUR BROTHER AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF!!!!
Drop the pride people!

Working through frustration and temptation!

It's an awesome day when you can attend a prayer meeting where the youth is fighting and taking a stand against the devil and all his forces. Last night was something that I needed, not so much because I was struggling but I just need reassurance from God that things will work out sometimes!

Temptations have hit but I'm trusting my God to show me the way to walk out victorious! I know that I can make it with out a shadow of a doubt. I'm so proud of our youth group at South Gastonia Church Of God. Xtreme Focus Youth Ministry has a fight, and they march with a War Cry! Watching them pray for each other and encourage each other last night was just amazing. There are people in this world willing to serve God and understand that you have to make sacrifices to do that. God is good!

Where do I stand with God?

I am having trouble with where I am at with God. I find myself daily just wondering, if i am taking all the steps that God has laid before me. I feel like I am moving in slow motion in my christian walk. The only thing that seems to be going at a normal pace is when I fail, sometimes falling down seems to hit hyper speed on the way down.

I guess I just can't see God's plan being worked through me. I am thankful for my job, but my heart is screaming for something more. Something more rewarding than this which I have. Frustration mounts, and I get discouraged, am I really allowing God to work fully in my life or are my faults getting in the way time after time? This is so hard, I was reading a blog by Leeland a few minutes ago. He was talking about God's plan for us, it was honestly inspiring. I just want to get out of this place that I am in. I want something more. Something on a grander scale, I want complete dependence and submission for God's will in my life! Lord God HELP !

The band FFH once wrote a song that said Lord move or move me! That mindset it where I find myself so many times! Lord just open up the doors you need to be open and shut the ones that need to be shut.