Anything But Emotionless

If anyone ever cared enough to ask what the greatest pain that I had ever experienced I would have to tell them that watching my dad turn his back on his family and not care would easily take the top spot in my life. No words could ever explain the hurt that I felt tonight as my dad sat in our church. I felt my heart crush, I felt fear like I never had, I felt anger that I can't explain, I felt an emptiness that would compare to the grand canyon and still people, even family, walk up to me and tell me that I should go talk to him. What do you say to a man you used to call Dad someone that at one point in their life loved you unconditionally, who you knew you could talk to when others wouldn't listen. Someone you shared a love for classic trucks for......someone who turned out to be nothing more than a sperm donor and a shadow standing just close enough to you to strike your heart with a knife. How do you just "go talk" to someone who has hurt you more than any other person on the face of the earth? I don't understand how someone could say they are sorry for the hurt they put in your life and turn around and multiply that hurt by a 1000. If I knew my kids grew sick at the sight of my face and I knew that they weren't in my life because of my mistakes... I would make every effort possible to show them that I am truly sorry.. Any idiot knows that words are words and that words only go as far as the breath that breathed them.... well anyone but him. SHOW ME YOU'RE SORRY. If that means leaving the piece of trash that you married and didn't have the balls to tell your own kids DO IT... I wonder how he feels knowing that Hero is the farthest thing he has become in my life.... his own son. I feel betrayed, hurt, cut deeper than any other person could ever know, I look at my life and wonder how screwed up it is because of all that he has done to me... All I can say is thanks for the hurt, the feelings of being abandoned, feelings of being alone and fatherless, I feeling of fear to know that I could turn out like you! I hope you feel sick when you think about me..... Its so hard to forgive and love someone who has hurt you to a point of feeling numb... maybe you have scars but I'm sure your kids replacement will like your wounds!